Candid Photo Shoot

Ok, we need a Happy Post! Rachael Cutler Photography took these candid shots for me with my family a week before my hair fell out. I'm so so grateful for these!! Picture overload and not going to apologize. This isn't even all of them. Didn't want to do family pictures because Caleb's not here but love these candid shots doing things we enjoy together as a family. 💕

I took this pic. This hangs inside from front door and I just love it!

Your Very Best

Last Monday, my family and I sat down together as a family to participate in Family Home Evening (FHE). For those who may not know what FHE is, it is basically a time set aside every Monday night for the family to gather together and have spiritual discussions, sing songs, pray together, and of course eat yummy treats! :) My daughter Rachael was in charge of leading the lesson/discussion that night. I have been thinking about the message she shared ever since and thought I would share it with all of you! Rachael would like to get on record, that some of the topics discussed were inspired from her friends and professors at BYUI. 

So here is her simplified lesson, in her own words...here we go...

In the Book of Acts (in the New Testament), there is a story about Paul embarking on a voyage to Rome. He is traveling with several other men by ship. However, before they set sail, Paul warns the men that now may not be the best time to leave, stating "...Sirs, I perceive that this voyage will be with hurt and much damage, not only of the lading of the ship, but also of our lives" (Acts 27:10). Despite these warnings, the men decide to proceed with the plan and listen to the words of the owner of the ship, rather than Paul's. 

It did not take long for Paul's warnings to become a reality. "But not long after there arose against it [the ship] a tempestuous wind, called Euroclydon" (Acts 27:14). The storm continued to rage on, as the scriptures describe, and caused a lot of damage to the ship. As the men were losing control of the situation, they began fearing for their lives. It was decided that they would throw certain belongings overboard to help "lighten" the load. "And the third day we cast out with our own hands the tackling of the ship" (Acts 27:19). The story continues on and explains that while the ship was severely damaged, Paul promised by the authority of God, that no man would lose their life. However, due to the damage and cargo lost, the men were tossed by the waves of the sea for a very long time. 

While some may read this and simply consider it a good story, there is an important principle taught. As the scriptures describe the men lightening the ship, there is only one object they specifically mention throwing over; the tackling. Tackling consists of ropes and other materials, used to support the masts and sails of the ship. Without the tackling, there is no way to control the direction in which the ship travels. As I pondered the implications of this action, I couldn't help but wonder what these men were thinking. Here these men are, in the middle of the sea, in an extremely dangerous situation, and at the moment when the storm is at its absolute worst, they decide to throw overboard the one thing that is giving them direction. They simply toss to the side the one thing that can help see them through a seemingly impossible event. As I sat there criticizing these men and laughing at their foolish actions, the thought entered my mind, 'At times, don't YOU do the exact same thing?' I was a little shocked by this thought, but continued to consider how this story applied to each of our lives. 

When life is at its absolute worst, and challenges are tossed our way, at times we are tempted to throw our own tackling overboard. We push away the things that will steer us through our individual storms. Satan would make it seem easier to stop going to church, to stop saying our prayers, or to stop reading our scriptures. He will try to convince us to doubt our faith, to question God and His plan and our Heavenly Father's love for each of us. This is the test. To see if we will hold on to our faith and the values we've been taught, or toss them to the side when things get hard. 

(I then shared the following video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sUKoKQlEC4

Heavenly Father did not expect us to be perfect. However, He did expect us to try. All He asks of us is to give our very best. Our trials help us prove to both ourselves and to Him that He can count on us to do the right thing and to help others do the same. During our trials and hard times, we need to remember our promise to do our very best and to keep on moving forward no matter how much it hurts, or how badly we want to quit. We can't abandon the things that direct us back home to Him. As we hold on to our tackling, and the things that are of most importance to our Heavenly Father, He will direct us through our individual storms. And one day when the blind fold comes off, we will find ourself in the end zone, grateful and happy that we had the strength and faith to press forward. 

Options

This week has been a very busy week for me:

• Monday Dr. appointment with Dr. Gamboa to discuss biopsy results and chemo treatments moving forward.
• Radiation every day at 5pm.
• Last day of work, last Thursday.
• Friday Dr. appointment at Huntsmans Cancer Center in Utah.
• Family candid photo shoot, surprise photo for Shad. 
• Some videoing of life.
• Picking out new windows and doors for my house.
• Picking plots and getting some of those things prepared for end of life circumstances. 
• Kids and family cleaning all the cars and house.

But a lot has been accomplished and so thankful for my family this week and working with my limitations. 

I haven't posted to the blog because honestly, every time I go to the doctor, I don't just get bad news; it seems to be the worst case scenario; every time! And honestly, it's hard to tell people bad news over and over and over again. But too many people are praying and care, so I need to update this. 

I'm currently looking at three different scenarios or options in my current condition. When we visited the doctor at Huntsman's Cancer Center, they didn't offer us anything different then what we already knew. But honestly, it was a relief to know that what we're currently looking at doing here, is the same thing they would do there. So it was a great second opinion and glad we went. We loved the candidness of the doctor we met with and it helped us put things into a truer prospective for where we are at. So options...

1. There is a clinical trial available, a type of research study for metastatic triple negative breast cancer. Phase II randomized placebo-controlled trial of cisplatin with or without ABT-888. All patients will receive cisplatin, which will be delivered into your vein (mediport) on Day 1 over 60 minutes and repeated every 21 days. (Every 21-day period is called a "cycle"). On Day 1 of each cycle, you will also start ABT-888 or placebo that you will take by mouth twice a day (with or without food) for the first 14 days of each 21 day cycle. You will have a physical exam and blood test done at the beginning and end of each cycle. A CT scan (of the chest, abdomen and pelvis) and a bone scan will be done after every 3 cycles of treatment. You will receive the two study drugs for as long as your disease does not get worse and the side effects are not too severe. 

Possible Side Effects:

• Nausea
• Tiredness
• Bruising, bleeding
• Anemia which may require blood transfusion
• Infection, especially when white blood cell count is low
• Belly pain
• Constipation, diarrhea, vomiting
• Dehydration
• Dizziness, Headache
• Changes in taste
• Rash
• Hair Loss
• Cancer of bone marrow 
• Damage to bone marrow (irreversible)
• A new cancer
• Seizure
• Blood clots
• Kidney problems

2. Start taking two different chemo drugs, Gemcitabine and Carboplatin for two weeks on, one week off for the rest of my life. We would start with these two drugs but there is a list of others that I could take as my body adjusts and the effectiveness of each drug wears off. 

Possible Side Effects:

• Just look above, the list isn't different

Cancerous tumors are characterized by cell division, which is no longer controlled as it is in normal tissue. "Normal" cells stop dividing when they come into contact with like cells, a mechanism known as contact inhibition. Cancerous cells lose this ability. Cancer cells no longer have the normal checks and balances in place that control and limit cell division. The process of cell division, whether normal or cancerous cells, is through the cell cycle. The cell cycle goes from the resting phase, through active growing phases, and then to mitosis (division).

The ability of chemotherapy to kill cancer cells depends on its ability to halt cell division. Usually, the drugs work by damaging the RNA or DNA that tells the cell how to copy itself in division. If the cels are unable to divide, they die. The faster the cells are dividing, the more like it is that chemotherapy will the kills the cells, causing the tumor to shrink. They also induce cell suicide (self-death or apoptosis). Chemotherapy drugs that affect cells only when they are dividing are called cell-cycle specific. Chemotherapy drugs that affect cells when they are at rest are called cell cycle non-specific. The scheduling of chemotherapy is set based on the type of cells, rate at when they divide, and the time at which a given drug is likely to be effective. That is why chemotherapy is typically given in cycles. 

Unfortunately, chemotherapy does not know the difference between the cancerous cells and the normal cells. Chemotherapy will kill all cells that are rapidly dividing. The "normal" cells will grow back and be healthy but in the meantime, side effects occur. The "normal" cells most commonly affected by chemotherapy are the blood cells, the cells in the mouth, stomach and bowel, and the hair folicals, resulting in low blood counts, mouth sores, nausea, diarrhea and/or hair loss. Different drugs affect different parts of the body.

3. Treat symptoms as they present themselves until life's end without chemotherapy.

I've been told the only way to treat Triple Negative Breast Cancer is with chemotherapy. Chemo can slow low down growth but will not kill my cancer. Chemo does not work in the brain. The brain is my hiccup. Because it's metastasized there, the prognosis is more severe. All we can do is radiate the brain. I've already had two weeks of radiation on my brain and next week will be my last. The radiation doctor has spared the memory part of my brain from being radiated for now. Symptoms started the last few days. My hair really started coming out this weekend, but made it to church one more time; but now it's gone. I've noticed my equilibrium is off as I tend to loose my balance several times a day. I feel kind of spacey throughout the day and usually just need to sit for a little bit to rejuvenate. 

The doctors have said that you can't radiate the whole brain more then once. The few people that have, have totally lost there memory. 

When asking for a prognosis, I have yet to have a doctor give me any kind of time frame. This is what they say, "if you're feeling good and can do something with your family that weekend, do it!" They also asked if my son can come home early. Not the kind of answers I was hoping for. 

So, right now it's a race between me and my brain. I know that Heavenly Father knows me and has blessed me with this tender mercy of time to prepare my family. If you know me at all, you know that I like to be prepared for things. I can get very focused on projects and I don't like feeling dumb in front of people. So to help that, I'm usually pretty organized and prepared for things. Heavenly Father is blessing me with time, to prepare my family. It may be shorter then I'd like, but I'm extremely grateful for the time I have. 

In my studies this week, I loved these three quotes:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven. …” (Orson F. Whitney)

These two are from talks given by Spencer W. Kimball:

If we say that early death is a calamity, disaster, or tragedy, would it not be saying that mortality is preferable to earlier entrance into the spirit world and to eventual salvation and exaltation? If mortality be the perfect state, then death would be a frustration, but the gospel teaches us there is no tragedy in death, but only in sin. “… blessed are the dead that die in the Lord. …” (See D&C 63:49.)


True faith motivates us to do the will of God.

The exercising of faith is a willingness to accept without total regular proof and to move forward and perform works. “Faith without works is dead” [James 2:26] and a dead faith will not lead one to move forward to adjust a life or to serve valiantly. A real faith pushes one forward to constructive and beneficial acts as though he knew in absoluteness.

I walk in faith and absoluteness in my God. I am His daughter and as such have all the rights and privileges that come from being his heir. I love Him and am grateful for the family he has blessed me with in this life to help me learn and grow to be like Him. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers in my behalf and in behalf of my family. May God bless our sincere desires if it be His will.