I Just Want To Be A Mom

On Monday I met with my chemo doctor at 3:45. I was scheduled to get my mediport put in on Tuesday and chemo start on Thursday but I wanted to meet with my doctor one more time to discuss questions that I had and what I had decided to do to move forward. I told you before I had 3 options for the cancer I have. 1. To participate in a clinical trial, which I've already opted out of after reading all the information. So that's off the books which leaves me with, 2. Do 2 different chemos, 1 day a week for 2 weeks and then 1 week off (meaning no chemo that week) for the rest of my life or 3. Don't do chemo and just treat the symptoms as they come. For example, right now I'm off the steroid medicine they were giving me for my brain. I was on it for about 5-6 weeks but they don't like you on it very long because of the bad side effects it can have so they slowly wean you off of it each week. I've been off of it for a week now and I've realized that even though it made me gain weight it was also hiding all the pain I was having before I was diagnosed, so now my bone pain and head pain is back. I can control it though with ibuprofen/tylenol right now. They have given me some other medications but I don't like the way they make me feel so I just take ibuprofen/tylenol because I can have a normal day just taking those. I am a lot more tired but I knew that would be coming. I guess symptoms from the radiation don't really start showing until a couple weeks until your done. Oh yeah, I finished radiation two Friday's ago, so that's really nice. My hair all fell out a couple weeks ago as well. Easier to take care of but don't like the way I look. I ordered a couple scarves and hats to help with that and they showed up on Monday.

Ok, so on Monday I needed to make a decision for what I want because my mediport was scheduled to be put in on Tuesday. I've been praying and studying all week while we were away as well as people in the community have been praying for me to know what to do. As of right now, I've decided not to do chemo. It has nothing to do with giving up but everything to do with wanting to be a mom as long as I can. Meaning, I know what it's like once I start chemo. It will make me very sick and I'll be in bed the first few days. Right now, aside from being tired and needing to take ibuprofen, I'm pretty normal. I still cook and clean and go to church and do things I want to do. Once I start chemo that will all change. The kids start school next week and I want to go watch them at their events as long as I can. Here's the other clincher, I've met with several doctors and all of them have confirmed that I have less then a year. In everything I've read and studied, has confirmed this, because it's in my brain. The chemo will not work in my brain and I can't have an MRI for 2 months to see how the radiation has affected it. I have too many spots in my brain to really do anything else and you can only radiate the whole brain 1 time. Anyone that's done it 2 times has totally lost their memory and must be taken care of. So, if a miracle is going to happen, we're praying that it will be, that I will be here when my son comes home in a year. It was nice to get away last week but it was also a little daunting because I also planned my funeral, but it will be so much easier for my family now that that's done. I know that Heavenly Father knows me though because he knows I like to be prepared for things and he's given me this time to prepare. 

I have to share this because it's funny. A couple weeks ago my husband came home and said, "Hey, guess what? We're property owners!" I kind of looked confused then understood what he was saying. He had just purchased our plots in the cemetery. It was funny! Some things you have to laugh at.

So I've been very busy the last couple of weeks, getting things in order at my house while I still can. I feel like I'm nesting. Instead of going to far off places with my family, I just want to make sure everything at home is taken care of before I'm gone. So things I've always wanted to replace and haven't taken the time to do it are know getting done. It will be so much easier for family. So we've ordered new windows and doors and are fixing the deck. I'm very excited! Gives me something to look forward to while I'm working on other projects like getting the kids baby books and pictures organized and getting a few things for my hope chest for the kids later in life.

I just want to make sure things are taken care of for my husband. I can't even imagine what it's like to be in his shoes. To feel alone and be alone! He's been my rock and totally supports my decisions. I'm sure he and my family were surprised by my decision, but after explaining everything and why, they understand. Now, I need to make it at least until after Christmas. My poor Rachael has had a Mom with cancer her whole school life. She started Kindergarten with my first diagnosis. She graduated High School and started College with my second diagnosis and will graduate College with my last diagnosis. My son and I had no idea when he left for his mission that when we said goodbye that it might be for the last time, but not everyone gets to say goodbye. Lots of people have asked, "Well can't he come home." Yes, he can but will that really be easier for him or me? If he comes home for a week, will it be any different then the last time we said goodbye? I will say, he's having a hard time. He just learned about the timeline of my diagnosis on Monday. Pray for him! I can't imagine getting news like this across the world on an island in the middle of the ocean through an email. He is serving his Heavenly Father. He was his before he was mine. There is peace in knowing that I believe I will see him again. In my church, we call it the Plan of Salvation or the Plan of Happiness. It brings much peace and comfort in a time like this. This earth life experience is so short compared to the eternities. My family is mine and always will be as long as I do my part. He is my "tough guy" and can do hard things but it is up to him and Heavenly Father what he needs to do. Heavenly Father is in total control right now. He has a plan and I'm learning to Trust Him and have Faith.

So for now, I just want to be a Mom and Wife. To keep it as normal as possible as long as I can. Either way chemo or not, the diagnosis is the same, so for now, this is what I choose.